A New Year, a new goal.

Writing these blogs is a bit like swimming. The first few were tentative, stepping my toes in and out of the water, testing the temperature you might say. Then I got more confident and waded in up to my knees, letting the cold seep into my legs. Finally I took the ultimate plunge and let the writing waters up over my shoulders. Now I am happy to swim around every week, becoming slightly more daring in what I put out into cyberspace, but always keeping the shoreline in sight and knowing I can touch the bottom with my feet. All sounds a bit too safe doesn't it? I think its time to become a long distance swimmer.

Writing for me has always been cathartic. I get lost in the words once I put "pen to paper". When I wrote my dissertation a few years ago I didn't eat for two days I was so absorbed in what I was doing (I did drink however, Jack anyone?). Where do I go from here? Its something I have been giving a lot of thought to, especially now I am settled in my new job and home. Im seriously thinking of writing a book. Yeah honestly I am. Hows this for a title "Confessions from an OCD sufferer: Did I check that Already?", or " I Came, I saw (Dirt), I cleaned: and it only took me 6 hours".

Part of the reason for writing used to be to provide a distraction from cleaning/checking/counting that took up so much of my life. But my therapist (very American of me I know), says this was another coping mechanism and routine that I was using, and part of the condition. Now I dont set myself a deadline, I write if and when I want to (which is why the posts here are a tad sporadic) and I expect that will be the same if I do write any body of work. So until I find my creative groove, I will just continue jotting down whatever comes into my head.

Have a happy New Year
The Ladybird
* Parts of this blog have already been posted in another site (written my me too honest)



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In an Essex state of mind (sorry Billy)

Wow didnt realise how long ago I had last blogged here. Big big changes since then. I have moved down south to Essex and started my new job, and enjoying it immensely. People keep asking me why I have taken a step backwards career wise.
I dont see it that way. I loved my last job, I enjoyed working with the staff and the residents, but by July the stress was too much and it was having an impact on my mental and physical health. I also needed a challenge, but not that overwhelming stress that comes with the level of responsibility I had previously. Thats not to say that I was not able to handle it, but there comes a time when you have to recognise that if you dont get out you become bitter and cannot give it your all. This new job gives me the responsibility but not the overall burden of the place. Plus I can see the end point for the residents, and it is not always death, but a discharge home.
Being in the bosom of my family and friends is also a huge plus for me, I can nip round the corner and see my "sister" or hop on a train and visit the nieces, and recently I jetted to Germany to see my brother and sister in law. I have not forgotten Yorkshire, and I am thankful to the people who gave me the opportunity when I returned from Australia (and yes I will visit), but there is no doubt I am in a better frame of mind and am less obsessed and rigid now. But I see Yorkshire for what it was, a way to anchor myself back into the UK after a life in the antipodes.
Heres to Essex for many a long year.
The Ladybird

A blog to dye for.

With the move down south imminent I should be in the throws of packing and cleaning. Mindful of my OCD I have limited myself to random swipes of the kitchen tops and the daily vacuum of the carpets, just so the moving day doesnt  involve cleaning products.
Multitasking being my middle name, I also decided to dye my hair ready for my nieces wedding (not that its grey), check my emails, and read my usual blogs. I go to my fave blog first, Shelby Osmonds Just Because I Said I Do , only to find there is a great give away. Now I know I am in the UK so the chance of winning is slim. But Shelby has such great ideas in the home decorating department (just check the blog out) that it would be a crime to miss it. Plus she surrounds herself with, and writes about the most inspirational women in her life, that you just cant help visiting THEIR blogs, and you come away feeling uplifted and motivated.
Though I have never met her, I want to thank Shelby for giving me a welcome distraction from the packing, always making me smile with your positive thoughts, although I could have done without the pictures of the cakes.....mmmmmmmmmmm
(and yes the submission for Because she Does is in the pipeline..gotta move first)

The Ladybird

A vital move forward.

Its been a while since I blogged here. Part of the reason is cos I have been trying to get on with my life post treatment, just doing the mundane things in life without obsessing or cleaning.

Part of me feels sad that I no longer have that weekly session of CBT. Yes it was hard at first and there have been backwards steps, I didn't honestly think it would work to begin with. But it has, so armed with my list of Dos and Don'ts and triggers I have begun the process of being a normal person. Take today for instance, I left the house without handgel, ate in a local cafe and got pooped on by a seagull (I kid you not), and I survived.

I now feel confident enough to make the move down south in a few months, something that would have seemed unthinkable this time last year. I know there will be trials to face, not least a new house and the urge to clean it, as well as a new job and new people to meet (always a stressful situation that, and one that triggers the obsessions and the anxiety).

From next week I shall start writing about....well I haven't really decided yet...inspiration awaits.
The Ladybird

Is the world ready for the new me?

One more session with my therapist and I shall be ready to take on the world. I have to say that at the beginning I wasnt sure that CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) was gonna work out. After all I have had 20 years with this problem, how can less than 20 sessions possibly rid me of my OCD, or even come close to reducing the problem? And how can someone so obviously much younger than me possibly give me any therapy, (a fact of life that as you age everyone in a postion of trust is suddenly only 12).
Well of course OCD never goes away, like any disorder it is always there in the background, and certain aspects come in useful, such as cleaning, and liking things in order, neat, tidy. But suprisingly it has worked and life has certainly gotten better for me over the last few months. I now have the strategies to deal with my problem when it flares up in the future, because I have no illusions that it will magically go away, and I know that in times of stress I will want to revert to old habits and rituals.
At the risk of sounding like an Oscar acceptance speech, there are people I want to thank for supporting me through all of this, and of course for the anticipated help I will need in the coming months. Sometimes it was just a quick text to see how I was doing, others "talked me down" from cleaning the roof tiles (you think Im joking but Im not). Others gave me the tools to live my life with this disorder, not allow it to continue to dictate what I could and couldnt do.
Right Im off to clean.....just kidding, back to bed I think.
The Ladybird

Toxic People

It takes all types to make the world. Not a new concept obviously, and one that I have become very aware of over the years.
But there are some people who are just too toxic to your psyche, who by just being around them make you feel ill, stressed and iching to get away from. Life is like that for me at the moment. I have been unfortunate to have suffered a spate of ill health recently (well over 8 months actually). Whilst I just thought it was me, or rather my immune system, I have come to realise it is more the environment I am in and the people I am around.
Put it this way, when I am away from this toxic arena I feel well, energised and ready to take on the world. But put me back there and I am sneezing and coughing, headachey and sick. And this is not limited to myself. Other people have suffered the same symptoms.
So whats the answer? Well take myself out of the environment obviously. Since I made this decision I have felt a lightness of mood and my health has improved. Nothing can now sway me from my choice, and I feel well again for the first time in months. I still have stressed days (but murder is not an option LOL), but knowing I have a plan and there is light at the end of the tunnel makes the days fly by.
So if you are in a toxic environment, make a seachange, dont get stressed GET OUT.
The Ladybird

Harriett

I have been asked why I dont have a pet to keep me company now I live alone. Well a sad tweet today made me reflect on the passing of beloved pets. I lost my lovely dog on Christmas Eve 2009, she was 14 years old.
We took her home when she was 5 weeks old, the quietest puppy in the kennel, which should have been a warning for us there and then. because Harriett was anything but quiet. A mix of a Labrador and Australian cattle dog, she spent the next 14 years rounding us up and creating havoc in the home. She stole biscuits right of your plate, and woe betide you if you didnt go to bed at a reasonable time, she would bark at you until you climbed those stairs.
Harriett hated storms and would sit right on your lap or the arm of the chair for protection, she would go to the front door at the exact moment your car turned into the street after work (how she knew exactly when I was getting home I will never know). After a shakey start she grew to love swimming, although she was hopeless at body surfing and had to be rescued from the surf a couple of times, and she loved nothing better than a McDonalds ice cream.
She was protective of us and we loved her to bits. When the time came to say goodbye, I was back in the UK and she was with her other mum in OZ.  I said goodbye to her over the phone, and whilst that was hard for me, I can only imagine what it was like in Australia.
I could never bring myself to have another pet since then, because they really are for life (not just christmas), and saying goodbye is just too painful.
The Ladybird

Who or what is the Ladybird?

Well me actually. One of my favourite things to do is read. Now at first it was just books, but since I have discovered the full power of the internet it now includes reading peoples blogs. I absolutely love reading about other peoples. Oh I dont mean the nitty gritty of it all, but there is a certain voyueristic quality in all of us that wants to find out what is going on in other peoples lives. In my mothers day it was the twitching of the net curtains to see what the neighbours are up to.The internet age allows us to cybertwitch (ooh new word) on a global scale.
I generally dont leave a reply on these blogs unless something peeks my interest, or annoys the heck out of me enough to leave a strongly worded comment. But I have been inspired by a couple of these blogs (written by women) that I felt it was time to write my own. Part of my therapy for my OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) was to set some long term goals, writing more for pleasure was one I decided would be therapeutic. So this is it. I have no idea what it will include yet, there will be links, there may be pictures, you might even get some inspiring words from me. Lets just wait and se shall we.
The Ladybird